Wings

Wings

I knocked gently at the attic room door. There was no answer. I knocked again a little harder this time and I heard a short grunt from within. I braced myself with a deep breath and then entered the room. 

It was dark and hazy with smoke inside although outside it was still bright and there were no blinds on the Velux windows. 

I picked my way through the mess of comics, ashtrays, empty drink bottles and crumbled clothes strewn across the wooden floorboards that were once painted a dark midnight blue. Like the walls but now faded and worn away in the used walkways. 

I opened one of the windows and looked out across the city. The late April sun had started to make its descent in the sky and bathed the rooftops in a deep golden light. 

Behind me I heard the bubble and suck of the bong and turned to watch him breathe out a giant cloud of blue smoke that blocked my view of him for a couple of seconds. Slowly the smoke cleared revealing the bare and stained single mattress on the floor. A sheet that used to be white still clung to one corner as if fighting to hang on to its identity and intended use. 

He sat naked, knees bent, leaning up against the wall, the globe of the glass bong clutched in his hands that lay heavily in his lap. His wings were out and hunched above him like a black shadow that framed his body and made his skin appear even whiter than it already was. 

Finally the smoke settled and I looked at his face. He looked down and picked at a toe, eyes shaded by heavy long black lashes, he avoided my gaze and sniffed. 

“You been flying?” I asked passively. He made a weak effort at something that was meant to be a laugh but contained no joy. 

“Yeah, but not outside.” He answered, still not looking up and reached for the tobacco. He rolled himself a cigarette and I turned back to the view. Seven starlings flew in formation swiftly through the sky.

I heard him light the cigarette. 

“It’s beautiful out.” I said resting my head in my hands and gazing at it. 

“Yeah?” He said, still inhaling. “Well I’d ruin it.” He exhaled.

I sighed and said nothing. The silence was comfortable, it always was with us, we were good at silence. 

After a few minutes he groaned and put the bong on the floor beside him. 

“Fine. I’ll look.” Making noises of complaint he got up and walked to join me at the window. I shuffled over and made room for him to lean next to me. 

We looked out and he passed me the cigarette, I took a couple of toaks and passed it back. 

“I think this is the first time I’ve stood up today.” He said with feigned cheer.

“Congratulations.” I commented without judgement. 

“No, tell a lie, I took a piss at two… What time is it now?”

“Six thirty.” 

“Hmmm.” We leaned and looked. The starlings crossed again, swooping and joining another group instantly in sync with each other. We stood close and his naked thigh brushed lightly against my jeans. I felt my body prickle. He took a quick succession of sucks on the cigarette. 

“It does look pretty nice.” He flicked the butt so it made a high arc and dropped out of sight to the street below. “But like I said; I’d ruin it.” He turned to leave the window and I caught his arm.

“Oh please let’s go out.” He hesitated for a moment looking down and then pulled away and made his way back to the mattress but stopped before it and turned around to look at me. 

He stood pale and naked, arms hanging limp, his muscles wasting and wings now slumped with the ends trailing on the floor as if he stood in a puddle of tar. 

“Do I look like I’m going anywhere?” He said simply and finally met my gaze. His eyes were dark with circles, thick black lashes hung to heavy lids and his pupils were so large that only a thin ring of blue remained. 

He’s still so beautiful. I thought. Even like this. 

“You looked like you were going somewhere once.” I said flatly and then feeling a lump in my throat I turned to hide any emotion and look back outside. I breathed the feeling away and into the air. 

Let the starlings sweep it away. I thought. 

“Ha. Nice.” He replied nonchalantly. And walked to the chest of draws where he rummaged for some underwear. 

“How can you go out anyway?” He asked climbing into a pair of boxer briefs. 

“Lill’s in. It’s Friday.” 

“Is it?” He exclaimed genuinely surprised. “Shit.” 

“Why?” I said turning to face him again as I’d safely disposed of my emotion. 

“No nothing. Just didn’t know.” He picked at items of clothing from the floor, each was examined and then discarded for not being the desired garment. 

“Where would you want to go anyway? Friday isn’t a good night to go out, it’ll be horrible. There’ll be people.” He spat the last word with disgust.

“We don’t have to go near people, we could just go for a walk. It’s not summer yet, everyone will be inside.”

“Yeah but walk where? I’m not going anywhere without a purpose. Fuck sake where are my jeans?”

“They’re folded up on the chair. We could just go and have a smoke on the hill and then come home.” 

He picked up the jeans and sniffed them. “Did you wash my jeans?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.” He sat down to put them on. “Yeah but what’s the point in that? We could just smoke here.” 

“Well I don’t know, I haven’t been out at night for ages and you need air.” He stood pulling up the jeans and then put his hands on his hips searching the floor with his eyes.

“Where…?”

“Your belt is on the dresser.”

“Ah!” He walked back to the dresser.

“Just an hour. Just for me.” I clasped my hands together in front of my chest as if in prayer. He paused threading his belt through the hoops.

“Is Lillie cooking?” 

“Yes. Lentils.” He continued, then fastened the buckle and looked at me hands on hips. His wings were now raised slightly and no longer touching the floor.

“Look your half ready already.” I beamed at him encouragingly.

“Ok look.” He raised an assertive hand. “We’ll go and buy some chips. Sit on the hill, eat the chips, smoke and then come home. Then there’s a purpose to it.” 

“But Lillie’s cooking.” 

“Exactly. That’s my purpose; to not eat Lillie’s cooking.”

“It’s not that bad.” I laughed.

“She doesn’t make it right. Look I’m not knocking food that’s free and cooked for me, but come on, your food is way better.” He grinned at me waiting for me to accept the compliment.

“Thank you.” I said graciously. “So we’re going out?”

“Yes. For chips.” He sighed

“Yay.” I clapped my hands and then resumed the prayer position with a big smile.

“No. No yay.” He looked at me crossly. “This is not for fun. It’s for chips.”

“Sure.” I nodded enthusiastically.

“And stop smiling.” I dropped my smile into a forced serious expression.

“And for stupid fucking heaven’s sake stop praying.” He picked up a T-shirt to sniff and hide the little twinkle of mischief I’d seen flash across his face. I dropped my arms and resumed smiling. He then attempted to pull on the T-shirt but got stuck with hands and head through and the back all bunched up at the shoulders against his wings.

“Fuck sake.” He turned comically to face me and I burst out laughing.

“Don’t laugh! Help me.” He flapped his arms helplessly. I helped him, still laughing, by holding up the gathered shirt while his wings collapsed, telescoping into themselves until they were like two small blades. I pulled the T-shirt down and the blades went through the fabric like a hot knife through butter but they left no cut or mark behind them as he let them return to waist height. 

“You might as well keep them in as we’re going out.” I said.

“I’m not going downstairs.” He looked at me darkly. “I don’t want to see anyone.” 

“Ok well, I’ll need to tell Lill I’m leaving and get my jacket. Plus if you’re leaving from here it needs to get darker.” He gave an exasperated sigh and slumped into the chair.

“Fine, go get your jacket and say goodbye. It’ll be dark enough when you get out.” I made for the door. 

“But don’t talk for ages.”  

“I won’t.” I walked through and went to shut the door behind me.

“And would you get my jacket too please?” 

“Yup.” I closed the door and heard him call,

“I’ll wait here!” I smiled because I knew that he was smiling at himself and then started down the stairs. 

I was quick. I said see-you-later’s, grabbed the jackets, opened the front door and slammed it behind me. I walked out onto the street, looked up and whistled. I saw his head bob up and then he climbed out to sit on the sloping roof and looked down at me. I held up his jacket and shook it like a matador. I watched as he stood and his wings spread out to their full length. He stretched them and then his arms. I checked the street, in both directions it was deserted.

“Hurry up.” I whispered loudly. He gracefully stretched his body by standing on tiptoes and then leaned forwards into a shallow drive. He levelled off, gliding slowly downwards, looped around and beat his wings heavily a few times to land lightly and noiselessly on his feet beside me. He smiled at me as his wings slipped away and I handed him his jacket. 

We walked to the chip shop and sat on the hill and ate the chips and then smoked a joint and chatted happily and laughed about silly things and it was good. 

I got cold and he hugged me, and I said I was still cold so he wrapped me in his wings and we kissed. And then he cocooned us both and made love to me.

I say that because it felt romantic, there were stars and a full moon and we were wrapped in black feathers, but I guess to say he fucked me over the bench would also be accurate.

We walked back down from the hill and then along the road towards home. We talked about them and us and how silly it all is. He talked about the things he hates and I talked about the things I love, because that’s how we do things. 

“Thanks for getting me out. I do actually feel better.” He put his arm over my shoulder and I put mine around his waist.

“Good.” I said because it was. 

We got to the crossing where we normally cross to avoid the pub and I went to go but he stopped and broke away. He looked down the street in a way that seemed as if he had caught a scent on the breeze. Maybe he had.

“We could go for a drink.” He suggested.

“What? Why?”

I felt confused and uneasy.

“It’ll be fun.” I saw that mischievous twinkle again but this time it had danger in it. 

“I thought you didn’t want to be around people.” I couldn’t disguise the doubt I felt.

“Come on, when’s the last time you went for a drink? It’s fine. We’ll just have one. Or you have one and I’ll have two in the time you drink your one.” He linked my arm and started to pull me down the road.

“I don’t feel like drinking. Or people. Let’s just go home.” 

He continued to walk and talk me down the road and through the door and up to the bar where he then talked to the barmaid instead. 

I sipped the rum that had been put in my hand while he oozed charm all over the place. 

It was busy and hot and the place smelled like beer and sweat. 

I looked around at the people and listened to snippets of their weird conversations about nothing. Round the corner there was a pool table where a group of nineteen year olds stood around playing doubles. The girls laughed loudly and the boys sipped beer and chatted to their mates focusing on the game, as that was less scary than trying to understand what girls were laughing about.

Finally we walked to a table next to the fire in the quieter part of the pub. I sat in an armchair and he put his two pints on the table and remained standing, glancing round like a meerkat.

“You look like a meerkat.” I said.

“What? Oh yeah! It’s great to be out.” He shouted down at me still scanning the room. I sighed and looked at the fire. The flames licked quietly at the logs and then crackled, a little series of sparks flashed in a line one after another. From where each of the flashes had been a new flame grew whistling through between two logs. The flames burned blues and greens then wavered and grew, consuming the smaller ones around them, until five flames danced and morphed to become girls; each of them naked but hung with flaming scarves. They danced in unison at first and then with each other gracefully moving and twisting and then pushing and pulling; they fought until one consumed all and grew higher and bigger and danced. She turned and looked right at me and winked. I shuddered.

“Stop it.” I said, suddenly turning to him. He had a leg up on the chair and was rolling himself a cigarette.

“Stop what?” He smiled at me and his eyes flashed. “I need a light.” He said tapping the roll up against the back of his hand and looking around as if hunting prey.

Two guys and a girl sat in a booth across from us and he looked at them.

“You’re going to smoke in here aren’t you.” Disappointment creeping into my voice.

“Yeah obviously, I can do what I like.” He stated arrogantly. 

“And then what will you do?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.” He focused on the group in the booth.

“I’m going to get a light.” 

I watched him glide over to the table and ask for a lighter. The boys started searching their pockets and he turned to the girl.

“You’ve got one in your bag haven’t you?” He asked her.

“I don’t smoke.” She shook her head and looked up at him. From where I was sitting it looked like an owl staring down at a mouse.

“Why don’t you check.” He grinned at her. The boys were now checking their jackets stuck in an obsessive quest that I knew had no prize. The girl shrugged and opened her bag. She gasped and her expression changed to one of awe as she held up the lighter and looked at him. “Where did that come from?” 

“Would you oblige me?” He asked, putting the cigarette to his lips. 

“Oh sure, sorry.” She fumbled with the lighter and then lit his cigarette. He breathed in and then out and upwards before turning his gaze back to her. He held the cigarette to her lips and fed her a toak. She breathed in and then coughed but continued to look at him. 

“Thank you.” She sighed. I sighed too. I looked at the boys now stuck in a loop pattern in their search and then I turned back to the fire. Lady flame was now lying on her back along the log. She caressed her breasts and then down between her legs and she looked at me. I looked away up to the mantle piece where an ornate mirror stood propped up on top. The frame was a vine of golden leaves and flowers that twisted and grew and then turned green and the buds started to open and the flowers bloomed red. Lady flame writhed in pleasure as I heard the girl laugh musically from the table. 

Looking back at them I saw she was now dressed in orange silks that fluttered around her like flames. Her hair a brilliant red and flowing, curling into loose ringlets. The boys now simply swayed backwards and forwards, hands in their pockets wearing dazed expressions. 

He laughed and tugged on one of her ringlets and then traced his finger down her neck, along her collar bone, down the side of her chest and across the top of her cleavage; where his finger drew it formed the cut of her dress that was now made of a deep green satin. He put his other hand to her lower back and gently pushed her up to standing. He sat on the table and she pushed herself against him. As he felt her waist the dress clung more tightly as he moulded it to her. 

I’d had enough. I threw the rest of my rum on the fire and it hissed. They both snapped around to look at me, the boys did too but with a delayed reaction. I stood up and made my way over to the table. I stopped and looked at him. He looked at me and raised her glass in salute and drank all of it.

“I’m going home.” I said to him,

“I think that would be very wise.” Said the girl, now a woman, moving to stand in front of him. I looked at her now sucked into green satin, red hair flowing, her cheeks pink and full red lips. Her emerald eyes sparkled at me jealously. He snaked his arms about her waist and nuzzled her neck with kisses and the whole time he kept eye contact with me, watching, waiting, goading me for a reaction. He squeezed one of her breasts and bit her neck lightly, she groaned with pleasure and tilted her head back on his shoulder closing her eyes. 

“Bye.” I said. And left the pub.

When I got home and let myself in, the house was quiet and dark except for the lamp in the lounge. Everyone had gone to bed. The cat stirred in its sleep as I crossed the room and clicked off the light.

~~~~~~~

Three days passed and in between them three nights of restless sleep and bad dreams. 

On the fourth day I took some clean sheets up to the attic where I had built the flat pack bed and cleaned the room. 

I opened the door to find him standing by the window, hands on his knees and out of breath. He looked up as I entered and smiled at me weakly. 

“I climbed.” He panted and threw his jacket on the floor.

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, I don’t feel so good.” He limped across to the bed and let himself down gently to sit. 

“Was it good?” I asked. He covered his face with his hands.

“You know it wasn’t.” He said from behind his hands and then sobbed.

I moved over and sat down beside him.

“Why am I made this way? Why can’t I have a different role?” He cried. 

“What like mine?” I asked.

“No, not like yours, that would be well boring.” He laughed through his tears and looked at me. “But that’s part of it. How can you put up with it? I mean, everything I’ve done and you’re still here for me.” 

“That’s my role. It’s all I can do, it’s all I’ve been taught, like you but the opposite. You know this.” I put my hand on his back and he flinched.

“What is it?” I asked, pulling my hand away. He groaned and let his head drop. I gently pulled up the back of his t-shirt. Down either side of his back were deep claw marks ripped through his skin scabbing but still fresh and bleeding in places.

“Oh Dear God what did you do?” 

“Well at least this one didn’t turn into a pig.” He joked 

“I’ll have to get some stuff to clean it.” I rushed to get up but he stopped me and held my hand tightly.

“No please. Would you just do it?” I sighed and looked into his eyes.

“I’ve got Average White band in my head again.” I said and looked at him hopelessly. 

“I’m sorry.” He said simply and held the side of my face gently. I nuzzled the hand and kissed it and then raised my own to his and we kissed. A glowing warmth and golden light surrounded us as my wings stretched out and then encircled him in soft pure white feathers. He turned and I pressed myself against his back. He cried out in pain and then with relief and pleasure as I released all the love, light and goodness of the world and channeled it through him for a second. 

The glow subsided and I cradled his head in my lap and stroked his hair. “Will you come down for dinner tonight?” I asked him.

“What day is it?”

“Tuesday.” 

“So you’re cooking?”

“Yeah.”

“Muuum?” Came a call from downstairs.

“Yeah?”

“Can I put on Netflix?” 

“Yeah sure we’ll be down in a minute.” I shouted back.

“Is Dad there?” 

“Yeah.” He replied.

“Hey Dad!” 

“Hey!” He replied and we laughed. And then we sighed heavily. And he lay in my lap and I stroked his hair.

Written February 18 2019